Desires of my heart

I've experienced my share of transitions in the past few months. They aren't always easy! Penn State classes started yesterday, my first time not experiencing first day of classes. That's a hard transition. Even harder was not experiencing a morning of getting ready with my roommates, meeting friends for coffee in the morning and lunch later in the afternoon, or spotting people in the HUB or Business Building. Weird transition. So what I've noticed from my excessive amount of transitions as of late, is that I lean on prayer. I felt pretty good about that. Hard times=praying without ceasing. Check. I started reading Becoming a Woman of Prayer. My check mark has now turned into a big, fat red x.

My typical prayers have looked like this: "Lord, provide me with friends." "Lord, show me where you want me to go to church." "Give me strength to be nice to people at work today." "Help me to do a good job at work." These are all good desires. I felt good about them at least. But they weren't always answered. The friend count is pretty much at a 0 right now, I haven't decided on a church yet, and I'm not nice every day. In fact, I sometimes let my stress get the best of me...which in turn is not providing those I work with a great example of what Christ is like. So why isn't God answering my prayers? I was getting pretty annoyed at his inconsistencies with answering. Even more so when I read this:

Delight yourself in the Lord; And he will give you the desires of your heart.

Psalm 37:4

But then I read this: "Those who delight in God desire or ask for nothing but what will please God." So basically, if I want to walk with the Lord, my delight should only be in what he wills. And while I feel like my desires are pretty fair, I can't say I presented these requests to the Lord in hopes that they would align with his will; I just knew they aligned with mine. I wasn't recognizing the fact that even if my desires are good, they aren't necessarily what God wants for me. I kind of struggled with this at first. Because, why wouldn't God want to provide me with success at work or friends and a church? Well, if I'm honest with myself, at this point I am still pretty quick to attribute my successes to my..."talent." I am also quick to get lost in my work and put my worth in it. When I am struggling, when every day isn't going smoothly, I am more apt to go to God and lean on him. So less success=more God time. At least until it's finally drilled into my head that more God time all the time is better. All that to say, God isn't answering my requests for specific reasons, and his timing is perfect. End of story.

I guess what I'm really realizing about my prayer life are two things. First, I need a heart change. I need to change my prayer life to a plea to have my will match Gods, not His to match mine. In order to do that, I am going to start to pray a prayer Charles Spurgeon made, daily. "Lord, if what I ask for does not please You, neither would it please me. My desires are put into Your hands to be corrected. Strike the pen through every petition that I offer that is not right. And put in whatever I have omitted, even though I might not have desired it had I considered it...'Not as I will, but as Thou wilt.'" I want this to be true, really true. True daily. It will totally transform how I pray. I am going to pray it for the next 30 days and keep track of the way it changes my heart and my prayers. If you are in need of a prayer life transformation, I encourage you to pray this prayer with me!

Second, I need to change how I define the word answer. When I think of a prayer being answered, I think of the prayers that were answered the way I expected. Or, if not the way I expected, at least answered with a detailed explanation as to his reasoning behind his unexpected answer. But, answer does not always mean grant. Answer is simply attention to our requests. So whether I receive an expected response, a promise, an explanation, or a flat out no, I will consider it an answer, and thank him for listening. I want to be able to say, wholeheartedly, "My request has yet to be fully granted, but my prayer has been fully answered" every time.

Before they call I will answer; while they are yet speaking I will hear.

Isaiah 65:24

Unwavering Goodness

The question of what it looks like to have a faith that rests completely in God has been on my heart a lot lately. Not because I feel like I am lacking a general faith in God, but because I feel like I struggle with an intimate faith, a faith that rests completely in God. I have faith in God’s presence and I have faith in his love for me. I have faith that I will see him one day in heaven. But I also have “faith” in a lot of other things. So what do I need to do to make my faith in God my everything? How do I put it above all else? What does that even look like?

I am reading, Becoming A Woman of Prayer, by Cynthia Heald. One of the chapters talks about how necessary faith is in order to have the prayer life God has intended for us. She included a quote that really hit me:

“Faith that rests in God is unwavering trust in His omnipotent power and unfailing goodness.”

Unwavering trust. That is what really gets me about this quote. Catch me on an off day and I will most assuredly be wavering in my faith in God's goodness. Sometimes I think he has failed to bring goodness my way. But when I really think about it, my definition of goodness is so shallow and nearsighted! And I live as if my definition is the right one, the best one. In reality, I am the one that fails in the equation, it's never God. Why am I so quick to doubt his judgement? I think a lot of it goes back to my struggle with patience. I want answers immediately. I want to see the fruit of my labor quickly. If I can't see "goodness" right away, I begin to doubt that it's in the horizon. God likes to take his time. Take Pittsburgh, for example. The first six weeks were so hard! I was living in a hotel, spent most of my nights alone, experienced an epic fail the night I tried to attend a church service, and was struggling to find an apartment. In my mind, there was no goodness to be found in Pittsburgh. In fact, at points I was sure that I had heard God wrong and I was never supposed to go to Pittsburgh to begin with. Talk about impatient!

Now, I will be moving into an apartment in a week and a half that is only 9 miles from work. I found an awesome church that is opening up a campus location in the town I will be living in, in September! I'm meeting with someone to talk about becoming a high school bible study leader in the fall. God is good! But I doubted that because I had to wait six weeks, I had to wait for his perfect timing. My faith wavered. This experience will have little impact, though, if I learn nothing from it. Now, I have a perfect example of God's unwavering goodness versus my impatient, temporary fixes. I think I'm going to start keeping a record of all the times God's unwavering goodness, in his perfect timing, has proved me wrong. I encourage you to do the same!

In the end, I guess it's all about me making a choice. Faith that rests in God is all about me choosing everyday to believe in his unwavering goodness, regardless of my limited knowledge of the circumstances.

Blessings on my Birthday

In less than an hour it will be my birthday. Although the overwhelming feelings of anticipation felt the hours before a birthday have seemed to dwindle with age, I still want to take a moment to celebrate! Celebrate all of the gifts God has blessed me with over the years. It would be impossible to list everything- the list is overwhelming, and goes back much further than my memory. I'm also positive that I have missed out on some of the gifts God has given me. I have found, and probably have been told more times than I have found for myself, that being aware of the gifts God has blessed me with will do wonders on the state of my heart. I too easily take things for granted and consider them just a normal part of my life, rather than gifts. I sometimes get this ugly sense of entitlement. Woof. So I want to start out this next year of my life right. By thanking God for what he has given me, for the things that I don't deserve and often take for granted. While I could go on forever, here is my top ten on my gratitude list:

1. My parents. I know everyone believes they have the best parents in the world, but I don't think many people can come close to mine. My dad is so wise and the best part is his wisdom is grounded in God's truth. His advice has helped me through so many tough decisions throughout high school, college, and now adulthood. I trust him completely. Not only is he wise, but he is so compassionate- he loves me so well. He provides me with such a beautiful picture of what it looks like to have God as our father and I am so thankful for that. If I grow up to be half of the woman my mom is, I will be content. She loves deeply, prays passionately, and serves continually. I have been so blessed by her shared wisdom, unwavering love, and strong relationship with the Lord. So God, thank you a million times over for blessing me with such wonderful parents.

2. Katy, Jake and Josh. I have awesome siblings! My sister is one of my best friends and it is such a blessing to have that. She is constantly reminding me of all God has blessed our family

with and doesn't let me dwell on the negatives. She loves me well, and continues to try and love me better (aka words of affirmation!). She doesn't laugh too often at my jokes, but we'll get there eventually. Jake and Josh claim to not have too many emotions, but I know they are just in denial. For my graduation, they wrote me the only card that brought me to tears. There were obviously some rude comments laced in with the loving ones, but I wouldn't expect anything less from two of my favorite men in the world. Thanks, God, for blessing me with such awesome siblings who are also such awesome friends!

3. My extended family. Both my mom's side and my dad's. We all love each other! We love spending time together, going on vacation together, and visiting each other's homes. We laugh together, a lot. And, we all have something else in common besides being related, we love Jesus. It's so cool to have an extended support system outside of my immediate family. To know that I can call any one of them and expect advice that is still grounded in faith. Mostly, I love how connected we stay in each other's lives. It's hard to be so far away, but it's comforting to know nothing will ever change the closeness we feel as a family. So thanks, God, for blessing me not only with an awesome immediate family, but with an awesome, loving, God following extended family!

4. Betsy, Sacha, and Lauren. Those names always bring a smile to my face. They have been a constant in my life since high school. We have gone through so much together and they have each played a part in my faith becoming more real to me. They challenge me daily. They refuse to let me believes lies about myself, my relationships, or my faith. Sometimes I get annoyed at how

well they know me and how good they

are at holding me accountable. But it's so cool that they do! It has been such a blessing walking through life with them. We have experienced many laughs, tears, road trips, and coffee dates. We have found ways to make long-distance summers work, and this new chapter in each of our lives will be no different. I am so thankful for the impact each of you have had and will continue to have on my life. Thank you for being vulnerable and intentional. Thank you, Lord, for bring such awesome friends and accountability partners into my life.

5. My friends!!! Thank you Lord, for not stopping at Betsy, Sacha, and Lauren (no offense). I have such great friends. It is so awesome to have friends who I can not only have tons of fun with but

also grow in my faith with. Friends who are willing to open up and be real about what God is teaching them. My senior year would not have been the same without my navigator family and five favorite roomies. It was so fun to live life with them, grow closer to them, and watch God work in their lives. Each and every one of my friends has impacted me in some way and made my four years at Penn State such a wonderful time of growth and laughter. Thank you Lord for intentionally putting each one of them into my life!

6. Penn State Navigators! I can't even imagine what my four years at Penn State would have looked like without the Navigators Ministry. Through Navs I was blessed with lifetime friends, challenging bible studies, and a beautiful mentor. From being in a bible study freshman and sophomore year, to having the privilege of leading one junior and senior year with Jamie, I have learned so much! My love for the word and passion to learn more grew so much from these studies. They stretched me in ways I never thought possible and challenged me in ways that were good for my heart. The fellowship I found in Navs was not something I expected in college and I feel so blessed to have been a part of that. So thank you God for leading me to Navs and for calling the people on staff to ministry at PSU.

7. HSM Girls! Oh how I have loved seeing my high school girls grow up. It is hard to believe they are going to be seniors this year. I have loved being able to be their bible study leader these

past couple of years. They are such a solid group of girls and have provided me with many laughs, boy stories, drinks at starbucks, puppy chow, and challenging questions. It has been so cool to watch as they sift through tough questions and really try and figure out what it means to make this faith their own. I cherish every early morning waffle shop breakfast, and still feel bad about the ones I slept through:). I am so excited to hear about all of the awesome ways their faith is used and stretched their senior year (and I'm also excited to take pictures with them at their senior prom...). So thank you God, for bringing me such wonderful high school girls to read the bible and eat junk food with!

8. Myanmar. Words can't even describe the love I feel for Myanmar and Agape Orphanage. I feel like the song "God of This City" was written specifically for Yangon. Every time I go there I get the overwhelming feeling that big God-sized miracles are in the works. I love each

of the kids at Agape as if they were my own family and I am so thankful that I have been given so many opportunities to visit. They have given me a life-changing picture of what it means to live a life desperate for God. Awesome things are being done in God's name over there, and it's such a blessing to be a witness to that. I will continue to pray that one day the words, "Myanmar is now a country on fire for the Lord and adoption is legalized" will be on my gratitude list. Lord, thank you so much for the opportunities you have given me to go to Myanmar.

9. Calvary. It makes my new challenge of finding a church seem impossible because I have such a strong love for Calvary. Don't get me wrong, I am sure there is a church in Pittsburgh that I will absolutely love to be a part of. But I have been so blessed by Calvary. Being a Pastor's kid, it's not really an option to play the "I don't feel well" on a Sunday morning card. I can't imagine what Sunday morning's would have looked like in my house if we all didn't have such a love for our Calvary Family. So many people have been a part of that and it's impossible to thank everyone. I am sure there are people committed to praying for my family that I don't even know about. But I pray the Lord blesses you for the ways you have impacted my life. Thank you Lord, for giving me such a passionate church family committed to loving others the way you love.

10. America. It seems silly after the other things on my list, but I feel it's necessary (especially considering the day I was born). I live in a country that allows me to pray freely, read my bible freely, and attend church openly. It is SO easy to take that for granted. It's hard to imagine living a life where this isn't the case. But even in Myanmar, the cost is high to follow after the Lord. So thank you Lord, for putting me in a place that allows me to read my bible in Starbucks any day of the week.

If you don't have a gratitude list, I encourage you to make one. Don't wait for your birthday! I am sure I am not the only one who easily takes things for granted. I have found, and been reminded of recently, that I'm not so pleasant to be around and my heart isn't very pretty when I am not full of gratitude. My dad always says, "You choose your attitude." I find it a lot easier to choose an attitude of joy and thankfulness when I make a decision to be aware of all the ways God has blessed me. So with my heart dwelling on these blessings, I truly believe this is all I need to be happy on my birthday- because these blessings make a more lasting impact than anything you can buy in a store (but if you are reading this and have already bought me a present, don't go through the trouble of returning it!). So to everyone on my gratitude list, thank you, for allowing God to use you to bless me.

Is my Hope in Him?

I get easily frustrated. My frustration easily turns into over-exaggerated statements on how awful my life is. For example, when I first checked in to my new hotel next to my new store, they put me in a smoking room. "Don't worry," the lady at the front desk said, "it's been pre-treated." After one minute in that hotel room, I decided there wasn't enough "pre-treatment" in the world to get rid of the smokey smell of that room. They told me to keep checking at the front desk, that eventually a non-smoking room would open up and it could be mine. I was determined to be okay with the situation, until I walked into the bathroom. My room was also handicap accessible. Meaning, the shower was comprised of mainly a huge bench and there was no counter space in the bathroom. The counter space dilemma, as shallow as it sounds, was enough to send me over the edge. I called my mom crying, and she tried to get me to look at the positives which only sent me spinning into an even more exaggerated explanation of how awful Pittsburgh was and how I was never going to like it. All because of counter space.

Then, last night, I had a craving for Papa Johns. I get those a lot. So I googled the Papa John's closest to me and called for a pick-up order. Eight miles from my hotel- easy enough right? After being 45 minutes late to pick up my pizza due to traffic, I finally found the street it was on. No Papa Johns. My GPS, Tucker, lied. He seems to do that a lot in Pittsburgh. Actually, at this point it was pouring down rain and I was pouring down tears so I very well could have driven right past it. But I was in no mood to search for Papa Johns. Instead, I dwelled on the fact that if I were in State College, when google said 8 miles, it would mean roughly 10 minutes, not 60. Yet again I cried to my mom and yet again she tried to get me to look at the positives. A common theme in my life recently, actually a common theme in my life period. But of course, my head already went to the negatives, the exaggerations. I was in no mood to listen to her rational logic.

When I talked to my dad this morning, he asked me which Sarah he was talking to. I pretended to be annoyed but in reality I was pretty disgusted with myself. After getting off the phone with him, I started thinking about why I had been finding my security in the "Sarah" both of my parents dreaded talking to. The most obvious reason- my quiet times have been nonexistent. Last Sunday I drove to a church after having a solid quiet time with God. It was an evening service and I was really hoping God was bringing me to a body of believers whom I could relate to. People who I could find fellowship with. When I pulled into the church, the parking lot was empty. I suppose their evening services are cancelled in the summer. I took that as God being silent in my life. Like God didn't really care whether or not I found fellowship.

I know that's wrong. But it's pretty easy to go on believing that especially when I wasn't sharing those thoughts with anyone who would keep me accountable. My dear friend Betsy had sent out an e-mail the same day I drove to an empty church. I was mad enough at God that I didn't pay much attention to the verse that she wrote out. But today, I reread it.

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I will hope in Him."
Lamentations 3:22-25

It hurt to read it, because I have not been believing this truth. His love has not ceased because I haven't found an apartment or a church- though I find myself thinking that all too often. I have had 3 weeks of mornings in Pittsburgh and only a handful of times (okay like 2-3) have I woken up and dwelled on his mercies. And the Lord certainly hasn't been my portion nor have I placed my hope in him. If the Lord were my portion, I would be content with the fact that for now, he is all I have in Pittsburgh. That for now, my fellowship must be through Skype and my church time must be via podcast or in an empty parking lot. That for now, my quiet times must be alone in a coffee shop rather than with some of my closest friends and accountability partners across from me. In fact, I should be rejoicing in this time. Because for now, he is truly all I have in Pittsburgh- what a wonderful time to get so lost in Him! I have no other distractions! I have been discouraged in that, rather than hopeful.

Whenever things haven't gone my way, when an apartment has fallen through or a 8 mile drive takes 80 minutes, my automatic thought has been, "Pittsburgh sucks, God probably hates Pittsburgh too, I'll never like it here blah blah blah." I want to train my mind, and my heart, to automatically think, "The Lord is my portion, I will hope in Him." When my hope is in him, everything else seems less important. If you've read any of my other posts, you know my aversion to change. It's hard to put my hope in things, when they are constantly changing. So instead, I tend to lose hope. How different would life be, if I put my hope in the one thing that has never and will never change- my creator. Easier said than done, but I have a feeling my parents will continue to remind me to do so (I'll say thank you for that now, since I never do in the moment). And I have an even bigger feeling that I'll have a lot of free time to work on it.

The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I will hope in Him.

Leaving

I just started reading, Through Painted Deserts by Donald Miller. Actually, I've only read the introduction so far. And I'malready challenged. I don't have a clue what a painted desert is, but Donald Miller talks a lot about leaving. Woof. I'm still struggling with that word. Leave. It seems so final. Foul even. I associate it with leaving something behind.

Just by reading the first 5 pages, my definition of leave has already been challenged. It's starting to shape into something that scares me, but in a good way. I have a lot to say about leaving and changing. Donald Miller's words have stirred up a lot and are forcing me to take a second look at how I have approached change (seems to be all God wants to teach me as of late). But I am not ready to write about that yet.

So instead, I'm going to talk about a change I am excited for. A kind of leaving that while hard, makes my heart happy. One of my best friends, Sacha, is getting married this weekend. And as our weekend of celebration is about to begin, I can't help but think about how things will change. I have been her roommate for the past three years. And after Saturday, she'll have Todd for a roommate. She'll haveto adjust from having a roommate she can borrow clothes from (daily) to a roommate she'll have to...clean clothes for. Or something. I don't really know because I've never been married. But life will change. She'll have to adjust to NJ driving. May God be with her. She'll have to join a new church, new bible study, and make new friends (but keep the old ones!!). She'll leave. She'll change. BUT IT'S GOOD! Because God designed us to change! So while a part of me will miss the roommate that seems to know me better thanI know myself, a bigger part of me is so happy for the change she is about to embrace. For the story she is about to continue, with Todd as her husband! Woohoo!

So Sacha, in the words of Donald Miller, "And so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children in a play. My hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside of you, about learning to love a man or a woman, about learning to love a child, about moving yourself around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning to love others more than we love ourselves, about learning oneness as a way of understanding God."

My prayer is that you'll embrace this new chapter. That you will see the changes you are about to experience as a way to live the life God has for you. And when you are able to do that, teach me how. I love you and am so excited for this weekend:)

He Loves

After a series of Target events, I was able to come home this weekend! I said peace out to my hotel, left Target just in time to hit rush hour, and made my way home on the awfully boring road that is 22. I usually spend my car time blasting nonproductive music and thinking about how boring driving can be. Especially on 22- it is something I dread driving on. The definition of boring. And a trap for drivers with a lead foot due to the consistent speed limit of ... 45. Woof.

At one point in my drive, as I was skipping through my ipod in true ADD fashion, I landed on Kim Walkers wonderful version of How He Loves. It was the first song I listened to all the way through. At one point the song goes like this:

"I don't have time to maintain these regrets, when I think about the way He loves us."

I know maintain and regret are common words but take a look at the definitions. According to Merriam Webster maintain is to continue in, to affirm in. Regret is defined as sorrow aroused by circumstances BEYOND ONES CONTROL. I somehow seem to find a LOT of time to maintain my regrets. In fact, even on my car ride home I was soaking in some of my most recent regrets. Regrets of graduating, friends moving, Pittsburgh traffic. I wondered why I always seemed to have time to dwell on these regrets.

Kim Walker told me it's because I'm not thinking about the way He loves me. And she's right. I so easily put God in a box and only think about him when I have my designated quiet time or when I want cars to suddenly break down for cutting me off in rush hour traffic. I don't take time during the day to soak in His love- to feel his presence. My ability to find affirmation in my regrets is proof of that. Because when I take a moment to attempt to comprehend just a sliver of how much God loves me and wants to have a relationship with me, nothing else matters. I laughed after I sang that line in the song. Because quickly, nothing else seemed to matter. God loves me. The most powerful being in the ENTIRE world, the creator of the earth we live in, my creator- He loves me. He loves me with a kind of love that rivals that of my parents. He loves me with a kind of love that doesn't stop when I mess up (a lot). He loves me with a kind of love that continues even when I don't acknowledge it or find affirmation in it. He loves me with a love that will never end.

When I think about that kind of love, my regrets seem rather silly. So this is my new challenge as I continue life in Pittsburgh- whenever I find myself maintaining my regrets, or saying statements that begin with "if only", I am going to slap myself (figuratively) and take some time to just soak in His love. The bible is FILLED with verses that declare the Lords love for us. So if you find yourself maintaining your regrets, go find some love verses that you can use to combat those times. How wonderful life is when I found myself consumed with thoughts of His love!!

But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God; I trust in God's unfailing love for ever and ever. Psalm 52:8

The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness" Jeremiah 31:3

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. John 15:9

Life Goes On

Life goes on. Whether we want it to or not. It doesn't slow down so you can be sure to take in every moment. It doesn't wait for you to be ready for change. So now I'm here, in a Holiday Inn in Pittsburgh,experiencing just how quickly life goes on. I want to be able to appreciate the moments I am now experiencing as a college graduate, true adult. But at the same time, I am still trying to comprehend and savor every moment that has happened the past four years, the past month particularly. It's not easy to do both. And life isn't waiting.

I recently graduated from college. Or at least I think I did, I haven't fully accepted that as truth. In the span of a month I have spent a week in Florida with some of my favorite people, walked across the stage at the BJC in my cap and gown, attended graduation parties, gone on a trip with my parents, packed up my apartment, said goodbye to my best friends, and moved into a hotel in Pittsburgh. I'm still savoring my week in Florida and haven't quite caught up with the reality of today. I'm not quick to embrace change. I'd much rather continue to enjoy what I have come to find comfortable (Comfortable in an exciting, challenging, and fun way.). Why change what I love? But life, or God rather, had other plans. Life goes on. And it brought me to Pittsburgh to pursue a job in Human Resources. Life goes on and it forced me to say goodbye to my family, my friends, and my church. Life goes on and brought me to a place where I know no one.

I suppose my problem is I always look at change negatively. So let me try that again. Life goes on and has brought me to a new and exciting city. Life goes on but has allowed me to still hold on to the people I have come to hold dear (gotta love Skype). Life goes on and will bring me a new group of people to find fellowship with. Life goes on and maybe will lead me to a new church where I can encourage even more people to support Myanmar! Life goes on and has brought me to a job where I can be comfortable financially and able to support my friends in ministry! Life goes on, and God goes first. He has prepared the way for me. He has plans for me. And when I look at it that way, there really is no place for the negative. Life goes on, but God goes first.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9