Trust in the Silence

In my quest to transform my prayer life, I recently blogged about my desire to transform my definition of an "answered prayer." My desire has been to thank God for listening to my prayers, regardless of if I get an expected response, a promise, an explanation, or a flat out no. Well, what if all I get is silence? What if I hear nothing from God? Then what?

Silence. This has been my most recent struggle.

Last weekend I went home for the wedding of two of my dear friends. I had been looking forward to this weekend for quite some time, because all of my friends would be back to celebrate. But as I spent the weekend catching up on their lives, I realized that's all it was- catching up. It was a fun time to dwell on how it used to be, but it was a time that was also going to end. We were all going to go our separate ways once the weekend was over. So as fun as it was to catch up on their lives, it was also a time that reinforced the fact that Pittsburgh is my new home (for now).

So as I dwelled on the truth that Pittsburgh is where God wants me, I was frustrated that I couldn't say why. Why does God want me in Pittsburgh? What is his will for me here? That has been my prayer since June- that God would reveal to me why he wants me here. I don't want to miss out on his purpose for me in Pittsburgh. But God has been silent. I've met a few people, tried out a few churches, and met a couple of neighbors. But nothing that screams, this is why God brought you here! I don't expect him to reveal everything he has planned for the next six months, but it would be nice to be lead to a church, to a community of believers, to something that makes me believe this move was worth while.

"Search me, O God, and know my heart!

Try me and know my thoughts!

And see if there be any grievous way in me,

And lead me in the way of everlasting!"

Psalm 139:23-24

When I allowed God to search my heart- I guess that's what it all came down to- selfishness. The pleading question of my heart is not, "God, what is your will for me in Pittsburgh?" but, "God, make your will something huge so that this stretching move can be labeled worth while for me." God has a purpose for me here. But until my heart wants that purpose revealed for pure reasons, my prayers will not be answered. I want to believe that if I only make one friend, if I only pour into one person, if God only teaches me one lesson through living in Pittsburgh, it will be beyond worth it. Because being where God wants me, being in the center of his will, is the only thing that matters. So I will continue to confess my selfishness and ask for his forgiveness. Then, eventually, my prayer will be one that He can take delight in.

And if he continues to be silent, then I will turn to one of my favorite verses as I learn to trust him in the silent times. To rest in him during silence.

"My soul, wait in silence for God only,

For my hope is from Him.

He only is my rock and my salvation,

My stronghold; I shall not be shaken."

Psalm 62:5-6