Is my Hope in Him?

I get easily frustrated. My frustration easily turns into over-exaggerated statements on how awful my life is. For example, when I first checked in to my new hotel next to my new store, they put me in a smoking room. "Don't worry," the lady at the front desk said, "it's been pre-treated." After one minute in that hotel room, I decided there wasn't enough "pre-treatment" in the world to get rid of the smokey smell of that room. They told me to keep checking at the front desk, that eventually a non-smoking room would open up and it could be mine. I was determined to be okay with the situation, until I walked into the bathroom. My room was also handicap accessible. Meaning, the shower was comprised of mainly a huge bench and there was no counter space in the bathroom. The counter space dilemma, as shallow as it sounds, was enough to send me over the edge. I called my mom crying, and she tried to get me to look at the positives which only sent me spinning into an even more exaggerated explanation of how awful Pittsburgh was and how I was never going to like it. All because of counter space.

Then, last night, I had a craving for Papa Johns. I get those a lot. So I googled the Papa John's closest to me and called for a pick-up order. Eight miles from my hotel- easy enough right? After being 45 minutes late to pick up my pizza due to traffic, I finally found the street it was on. No Papa Johns. My GPS, Tucker, lied. He seems to do that a lot in Pittsburgh. Actually, at this point it was pouring down rain and I was pouring down tears so I very well could have driven right past it. But I was in no mood to search for Papa Johns. Instead, I dwelled on the fact that if I were in State College, when google said 8 miles, it would mean roughly 10 minutes, not 60. Yet again I cried to my mom and yet again she tried to get me to look at the positives. A common theme in my life recently, actually a common theme in my life period. But of course, my head already went to the negatives, the exaggerations. I was in no mood to listen to her rational logic.

When I talked to my dad this morning, he asked me which Sarah he was talking to. I pretended to be annoyed but in reality I was pretty disgusted with myself. After getting off the phone with him, I started thinking about why I had been finding my security in the "Sarah" both of my parents dreaded talking to. The most obvious reason- my quiet times have been nonexistent. Last Sunday I drove to a church after having a solid quiet time with God. It was an evening service and I was really hoping God was bringing me to a body of believers whom I could relate to. People who I could find fellowship with. When I pulled into the church, the parking lot was empty. I suppose their evening services are cancelled in the summer. I took that as God being silent in my life. Like God didn't really care whether or not I found fellowship.

I know that's wrong. But it's pretty easy to go on believing that especially when I wasn't sharing those thoughts with anyone who would keep me accountable. My dear friend Betsy had sent out an e-mail the same day I drove to an empty church. I was mad enough at God that I didn't pay much attention to the verse that she wrote out. But today, I reread it.

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I will hope in Him."
Lamentations 3:22-25

It hurt to read it, because I have not been believing this truth. His love has not ceased because I haven't found an apartment or a church- though I find myself thinking that all too often. I have had 3 weeks of mornings in Pittsburgh and only a handful of times (okay like 2-3) have I woken up and dwelled on his mercies. And the Lord certainly hasn't been my portion nor have I placed my hope in him. If the Lord were my portion, I would be content with the fact that for now, he is all I have in Pittsburgh. That for now, my fellowship must be through Skype and my church time must be via podcast or in an empty parking lot. That for now, my quiet times must be alone in a coffee shop rather than with some of my closest friends and accountability partners across from me. In fact, I should be rejoicing in this time. Because for now, he is truly all I have in Pittsburgh- what a wonderful time to get so lost in Him! I have no other distractions! I have been discouraged in that, rather than hopeful.

Whenever things haven't gone my way, when an apartment has fallen through or a 8 mile drive takes 80 minutes, my automatic thought has been, "Pittsburgh sucks, God probably hates Pittsburgh too, I'll never like it here blah blah blah." I want to train my mind, and my heart, to automatically think, "The Lord is my portion, I will hope in Him." When my hope is in him, everything else seems less important. If you've read any of my other posts, you know my aversion to change. It's hard to put my hope in things, when they are constantly changing. So instead, I tend to lose hope. How different would life be, if I put my hope in the one thing that has never and will never change- my creator. Easier said than done, but I have a feeling my parents will continue to remind me to do so (I'll say thank you for that now, since I never do in the moment). And I have an even bigger feeling that I'll have a lot of free time to work on it.

The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I will hope in Him.

Leaving

I just started reading, Through Painted Deserts by Donald Miller. Actually, I've only read the introduction so far. And I'malready challenged. I don't have a clue what a painted desert is, but Donald Miller talks a lot about leaving. Woof. I'm still struggling with that word. Leave. It seems so final. Foul even. I associate it with leaving something behind.

Just by reading the first 5 pages, my definition of leave has already been challenged. It's starting to shape into something that scares me, but in a good way. I have a lot to say about leaving and changing. Donald Miller's words have stirred up a lot and are forcing me to take a second look at how I have approached change (seems to be all God wants to teach me as of late). But I am not ready to write about that yet.

So instead, I'm going to talk about a change I am excited for. A kind of leaving that while hard, makes my heart happy. One of my best friends, Sacha, is getting married this weekend. And as our weekend of celebration is about to begin, I can't help but think about how things will change. I have been her roommate for the past three years. And after Saturday, she'll have Todd for a roommate. She'll haveto adjust from having a roommate she can borrow clothes from (daily) to a roommate she'll have to...clean clothes for. Or something. I don't really know because I've never been married. But life will change. She'll have to adjust to NJ driving. May God be with her. She'll have to join a new church, new bible study, and make new friends (but keep the old ones!!). She'll leave. She'll change. BUT IT'S GOOD! Because God designed us to change! So while a part of me will miss the roommate that seems to know me better thanI know myself, a bigger part of me is so happy for the change she is about to embrace. For the story she is about to continue, with Todd as her husband! Woohoo!

So Sacha, in the words of Donald Miller, "And so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children in a play. My hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside of you, about learning to love a man or a woman, about learning to love a child, about moving yourself around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning to love others more than we love ourselves, about learning oneness as a way of understanding God."

My prayer is that you'll embrace this new chapter. That you will see the changes you are about to experience as a way to live the life God has for you. And when you are able to do that, teach me how. I love you and am so excited for this weekend:)

He Loves

After a series of Target events, I was able to come home this weekend! I said peace out to my hotel, left Target just in time to hit rush hour, and made my way home on the awfully boring road that is 22. I usually spend my car time blasting nonproductive music and thinking about how boring driving can be. Especially on 22- it is something I dread driving on. The definition of boring. And a trap for drivers with a lead foot due to the consistent speed limit of ... 45. Woof.

At one point in my drive, as I was skipping through my ipod in true ADD fashion, I landed on Kim Walkers wonderful version of How He Loves. It was the first song I listened to all the way through. At one point the song goes like this:

"I don't have time to maintain these regrets, when I think about the way He loves us."

I know maintain and regret are common words but take a look at the definitions. According to Merriam Webster maintain is to continue in, to affirm in. Regret is defined as sorrow aroused by circumstances BEYOND ONES CONTROL. I somehow seem to find a LOT of time to maintain my regrets. In fact, even on my car ride home I was soaking in some of my most recent regrets. Regrets of graduating, friends moving, Pittsburgh traffic. I wondered why I always seemed to have time to dwell on these regrets.

Kim Walker told me it's because I'm not thinking about the way He loves me. And she's right. I so easily put God in a box and only think about him when I have my designated quiet time or when I want cars to suddenly break down for cutting me off in rush hour traffic. I don't take time during the day to soak in His love- to feel his presence. My ability to find affirmation in my regrets is proof of that. Because when I take a moment to attempt to comprehend just a sliver of how much God loves me and wants to have a relationship with me, nothing else matters. I laughed after I sang that line in the song. Because quickly, nothing else seemed to matter. God loves me. The most powerful being in the ENTIRE world, the creator of the earth we live in, my creator- He loves me. He loves me with a kind of love that rivals that of my parents. He loves me with a kind of love that doesn't stop when I mess up (a lot). He loves me with a kind of love that continues even when I don't acknowledge it or find affirmation in it. He loves me with a love that will never end.

When I think about that kind of love, my regrets seem rather silly. So this is my new challenge as I continue life in Pittsburgh- whenever I find myself maintaining my regrets, or saying statements that begin with "if only", I am going to slap myself (figuratively) and take some time to just soak in His love. The bible is FILLED with verses that declare the Lords love for us. So if you find yourself maintaining your regrets, go find some love verses that you can use to combat those times. How wonderful life is when I found myself consumed with thoughts of His love!!

But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God; I trust in God's unfailing love for ever and ever. Psalm 52:8

The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness" Jeremiah 31:3

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. John 15:9

Life Goes On

Life goes on. Whether we want it to or not. It doesn't slow down so you can be sure to take in every moment. It doesn't wait for you to be ready for change. So now I'm here, in a Holiday Inn in Pittsburgh,experiencing just how quickly life goes on. I want to be able to appreciate the moments I am now experiencing as a college graduate, true adult. But at the same time, I am still trying to comprehend and savor every moment that has happened the past four years, the past month particularly. It's not easy to do both. And life isn't waiting.

I recently graduated from college. Or at least I think I did, I haven't fully accepted that as truth. In the span of a month I have spent a week in Florida with some of my favorite people, walked across the stage at the BJC in my cap and gown, attended graduation parties, gone on a trip with my parents, packed up my apartment, said goodbye to my best friends, and moved into a hotel in Pittsburgh. I'm still savoring my week in Florida and haven't quite caught up with the reality of today. I'm not quick to embrace change. I'd much rather continue to enjoy what I have come to find comfortable (Comfortable in an exciting, challenging, and fun way.). Why change what I love? But life, or God rather, had other plans. Life goes on. And it brought me to Pittsburgh to pursue a job in Human Resources. Life goes on and it forced me to say goodbye to my family, my friends, and my church. Life goes on and brought me to a place where I know no one.

I suppose my problem is I always look at change negatively. So let me try that again. Life goes on and has brought me to a new and exciting city. Life goes on but has allowed me to still hold on to the people I have come to hold dear (gotta love Skype). Life goes on and will bring me a new group of people to find fellowship with. Life goes on and maybe will lead me to a new church where I can encourage even more people to support Myanmar! Life goes on and has brought me to a job where I can be comfortable financially and able to support my friends in ministry! Life goes on, and God goes first. He has prepared the way for me. He has plans for me. And when I look at it that way, there really is no place for the negative. Life goes on, but God goes first.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9