"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, o Lord, my rock and my redeemer." Psalm 19:14
The first part is easier, when I'm trying. Regardless of what is going on in my life, or in my heart, it has always been easy for me to come up with the right words to say. But that doesn't mean the words that leave my lips come from my heart.
Growing up, going to Sunday School as the Pastor's daughter, I learned early on that I needed to know the right words that would be acceptable to God- but mostly to my Sunday School teachers. I was the Pastor's daughter, after all. I learned the power of words. Words of affirmation can bring hope to a hurting friend. Words of truth can change a life. The words of Jesus can transform a world.
Words can also mask the truth. They can paint a picture of perfection or growth on the outside that doesn't quite line up with the inside.
I 've been using words as a mask. I speak words that I know are acceptable in God's sight- words that paint a picture of a strong young woman putting her relationship with God before all else. Words that show I am fine, healthy, growing. Words that I have believed people want to and should hear.
It's hard to be vulnerable. To speak from my heart, when I am confident that what is inside is too messy to be acceptable in my family or friend's sight, let alone God's.
The meditation of my heart. Words can mask. But if I take a look at the meditation of my heart, it reveals truth. And the truth I see right now is messy. It's easy to try and ignore the mess. To believe that if the words are right, it will eventually clean up the mess. But it won't. Words can't. God can.
God is my rock and my redeemer. It's a beautiful way to end that verse. Because the only way the words from our mouths and meditations of our hearts can be pleasing to God, is if he truly is our redeemer.
My words and my heart weren't lining up, because I wasn't allowing God in. I was so focused on cleaning up the mess by performing better at my job, being a better sister, daughter and friend. It pushed my desire to let Jesus live through me to the side, as I instead strived to do it on my own.
My sister recently sent me a text asking how I was, I replied with the normal, "fine how are you?" She responded by asking how I actually was. She went on to say that she had just heard a sermon on support and encouragement and realized she couldn't give that to me if she didn't know what areas I needed prayer and support in.
My dad preached about messes this past Sunday (he always seems to have impeccable timing..or maybe it's just that he does an exceptional job letting Jesus live through him). He said, "[Jesus] dives head-first into our mess. Not because He loves our mess, but because He loves you and He loves transforming the mess into glory."
So, I think it's safe to say God is trying to get my attention. He has placed such strong, supportive people in my life whom I love dearly. People who don't want me to use words as a mask, but to use them as a way to reveal where I need prayer. And I can use words to do the same for them. How's that for acceptable in God's sight?
And God, well he loves transforming mess into glory. So with his help, I'm well on my way to the meditation, and well, the shape of my heart to be something pleasing in his sight. It's going to be a beautifully messy journey.
Loving ourselves correctly allows us to love others out of the overflow and not because we require something from them- such as acceptance or in an attempt to overcome feelings of loneliness or insignificance. 
